Delta

Delta

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What is minimum wage again?

So today, after getting back my end of class quizzes and finding out that my third block averaged a 52 on the second easiest quiz I have administered, I did some math I never should have done and realized that on average I make about $12.30 an hour as a teacher. Which wouldn't have been so bad except that I made more at my 'college job.' I thought 'hmmm, is this really worth it?' Not sure. I think it is the days I am effective, the days that I have girls running in to hug me and tell me they are so excited about the poem they wrote for my class. And would I like to read it? But then there are the days that it is just draining in every way. Psychologically this is very challenging for me. I think that is why few people do it... For my self-interpreted right reasons. That is I believe that working with these kids, making their lives better, giving them a chance to succeed and pushing myself to be better at it everyday is important. But a huge strain mentally. The line between my shortcomings and their limitations frequently blurs, and I take it out on myself and sometimes them. I try not to be vindictive, but I can be really cranky sometimes. Then I feel guilty because crankiness has never been a character trait of mine and I wonder "is this unpleasant person the real me?" I have heard that in the worst situations you discover people's true character. Crap. Or am I just not dealing with it all responsibly? Or have I just bitten off more than I can chew teaching everyday with a very rigid schedule under unyielding financial constraints, trying to raise $15000 to take my students to Spain so that they can see a world different from the world they currently see? Or is it just too much today? If I plan better, will it be better tomorrow? What if I am too burned out to follow my plans? Thank goodness for the scriptures, some clarity, I get to work with the kids on Sunday, some peace, pour it all out in prayer, start again... Everyday is a blur of this right now. Every day is better than the last, every day I am better than the day before, I am finding my footing slowly. I wonder sometimes if classically trained teachers have it easier... But I don't think so. I think my lack of training is honestly an advantage for me. I approach teaching differently than my colleagues. I don't know how it's "supposed" to look, so I look for results and love my students, who rarely and vaguely love me back. Then I remind myself that they don't have to love me. That's not why I am here. A fact I remind them of when they complain. "I am not here to be your friend, I am here to help you learn, learning isn't always friendly." Boy, isn't that the truth. Welcome to the biggest learning curve of my life.